My daughter will be 8 in a couple months. She is currently experiencing anxiety about being separated from me. She is anxious about school, especially math. She is to the point of making herself so upset that she vomits, gets headaches, stomach aches, etc.
I am at a loss as to what would be best for her….
She is very sensitive, and she currently has a teacher that is very loud and sometimes brash, and I think this adds to the problems as well.
She has missed quite of bit of school as well. Any thoughts what imagery would be best for her? I am so worried about her and want to help her as best as I can.
Thanks.
Darlene
Hey, Darlene,
I do have an idea for an audio for your 7-year-old’s school anxiety, but first, I’d like to suggest you consider a couple other things as well.
Often (not always, but often) kids who are anxious about separating from their parents have parents who are anxious about separating from them. The kid picks up the angst and runs with it.
We see this dynamic very dramatically at drop-off time at pre-school. Experienced teachers instruct the parent to kiss, hug, turn, leave, and not look back, in that order, at which time the toddler generally settles down – a lot faster than if the parent lingers to “reassure” them.
So this might be a good time to examine your own feelings – about separation; school; math; loud, brash authority figures… whatever. The more you can get a handle on your own issues and some management strategies for them, the better off your daughter will be.
One thing I’d do right away: set up a meeting with that teacher, and ask for her help with this. Fill her in on how upset your daughter has become. Make her your ally. And if you have a husband, make sure he comes too. Fair or not, having both parents in the room broadcasts a level of concern and serious intent that gets across and lends you clout. No husband? Bring your mother; an aunt, or somebody else who knows this child well and can help advocate for her.
And it wouldn’t hurt to ask to have the school psychologist or vice principal or a member of the special ed or counseling team in there too – make it a ‘case conference’ and ask for help from the whole bunch.
This does a lot of things: it marshals extra support and resources; broadens the base of possibilities for solutions; gets the authorities on your kid’s team; and, if this teacher is, in fact, a dud, you’ll have some counterweight to help you get some cooperation out of her (…not that I assume this is necessary – I don’t, actually. Most teachers just don’t have enough information and too many kids to deal with. So that’s your job - to let her know how bad things are getting.)
I’m pretty sure this will be a good, productive meeting, and you shouldn't leave without setting up another for after a month or two. That keeps everyone on track.
I would also strongly encourage you to change your response to your daughter’s distress…
Stop letting her stay home from school (unless she has a fever or something). I know it feels like the compassionate thing to do, but please remember that it also tells her that you don’t think she can handle it, that she’s too frail. This is not a helpful message…
“Sensitive” does not equal “frail”.
Instead, tell her gently and calmly but firmly and with zero ambiguity that you’re sorry she’s so upset, but that she needs to go to school, and that you know she can do it… that it will get better and easier. But for that to happen, she has to show up.
If all we ever manage to do is to teach our kids to show up, we will have taught them a lot.
Okay, lecture done… Probably way more than you wanted to know. As for what audio program to use to help her feel more empowered, resourceful, strong and capable? Magic Island is the bomb for an almost eight year old!
Good luck. Please set up that meeting, and come to it prepared, articulate, non-accusatory and open to ideas.
All best,
Belleruth
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Awesome response!!!! Been that little girl...at age 58 she still shows up sometimes!!! My parents were just down right mean and nasty about it which only intensified my emotions. Wish they would have had someone like you to say what you just did...regardless of whether they wanted to hear it or not! Bless this child...and you!
... written by Jean Maurie,
January 23, 2013
I got tears for that child when I read this. I had stomach aches every school morning for 12 years. Yes it was bad and yes sometimes so bad I couldn't go to school. Because it wasn't addressed it turned into agoraphobia. I hope this child is helped. Mine was back in the old days 1940s when no one knew what to do. Your panic and anxiety CD helps me a lot as i still have anxiety times. I also have been greatly helped by Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Jean
... written by Janet,
January 23, 2013
My inner child (I'm 60) saw the title and since it described me I decided to read it. As a child "I" was considered insecure and "I" was the problem. What a great relief to see an approach that addresses the whole picture. Right on!
... written by Charlotte Reznick PhD,
January 23, 2013
Love Belleruth's advice. Pediatricians refer their patients to me all the time with headaches, stomachaches, and other anxiety symptoms. There are many simple guided imagery tools that can help. One girl I worked with imagined a swirling rainbow to ease her tummy aches. I've written a chapter "When LIfe is Making Your Kid Sick" in The Power of Your Child's Imagination that you might appreciate. Creating a Magic Garden and Healing Pond CD can be helpful too. For more info go www.ImageryForKids.com.
... written by Michael Portner,
January 23, 2013
No one has mentioned something which is unfortunatly very common in elementary schools today: it's called bullying. Perhaps this child is being made fun of or picked on before during or after school. Things like name calling can be very hurtful to a sensitive child. I hope the family will try to see if this might also be part of the problem.
... written by Ilse,
January 23, 2013
My son is also very sensitive. He tends to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, and holds everything he's feeling in deep in his heart. Last year, when he was in the 4th grade, he began feeling overwhelmed by his school work. Interestingly, he had just been accepted into the Talented and Gifted Program, which may have amped up his performance anxiety. Just to make this long and complex story short, he developed a Conversion Disorder, which manifested as a complete loss of control over his body: he would experience these full-body ticcing episodes that looked like seizures. At any mention of school or stress, pressure, or anything in that family of words, his legs would go out from under him and he would be unable to stop his body from twitching: legs, arms, face.... Needless to say, it as just too dangerous for him to attend school.
(It took us a long time to get a proper diagnosis, after visiting several neurologists, pediatricians, and psychiatrists. You can imagine how scary it was for a while there, when we didn't know what was happening to him!)
This year, he is having a great year. I'll tell you how he overcame this: We spent the summer working closely with a CBT oriented therapist who focuses on OCD, Panic and Anxiety disorders. He gave my son exposure exercises – created games and activities to do with the family that required him to face his triggers and gave him a sense of accomplishment and empowerment.
His symptoms got worse for a short time, but through this therapy, he began to realize that the scope of his life was becoming smaller and smaller. He was unable to participate in so many activities that he enjoyed; had to hear about school from his friends. For your 7 year old, making this shift in perspective might be a little advanced (I think it might be a little advanced for some grown ups!). But perhaps there is a way of framing this insight in a way that she can understand or internalize somehow.
One day, after a couple months of therapy, my son's symptoms disappeared over night. It was amazing. And they haven't returned. I think it was a combination of good therapy and his own insight about what he really wanted out of life. While he received some benefits from this disorder, like being able to stay home from school, not having responsibilities, etc., he started to see that he was losing so much more that he was gaining.
In short, based on my experience with my son, I would recommend everything that Belleruth Naparstek suggested, especially involving the special ed teacher and school counselor. Ask the school for recommendations for a math tutor. My son's school has a room where kids can go when they are feeling overwhelmed, with a giant bean bag chair, low lights... a calming space (this is a public school).
One simple thing that helped my son tremendously this year was to give him a daily checklist: what he has to do in the morning to get ready for school (dress, brush teeth, eat breakfast, feed the fish, whatever). The reason it helped him was that it gave him some clarity about what's going to happen every day. Limits, schedules, etc. You can put it up on the wall, and let her check things off as they get done (perhaps offer a reward for a week of consistent accomplishment). Help her choose her morning outfit before bed, let her help you pack her lunch. Make sure everything she needs to bring to school is in order. In essence, make sure there is no mad scramble to get out the door in the morning. Knowing what to expect can greatly help a kid's anxiety. It also adds to a sense of empowerment.
If your daughter has friends at school, you might consider scheduling play dates or even contacting one of her friend's parents about having them walk into the classroom together. Kids can be very compassionate when their friends are having trouble.
And, it's important, as Belleruth indicates, not to drop everything, which is hard to do when your child is displaying physical symptoms of anxiety, like vomiting or headaches. So, to the extent that you can, try to maintain a normal schedule, and try to remain a calming, solid presence when your daughter is feeling out of control. I know that's hard.
In short: a good CBT or ABT therapist, to help with managing anxiety and panic in an empowering way (get recommendations!); support from the school; a math tutor; a clear daily schedule; and developing connections and community with her classmates.
I send you all my support and best wishes.
Ilse
... written by Belleruth,
January 23, 2013
Thanks for all the wonderful ideas, resources and suggestions... makes for a fuller understanding of this commonplace but distressing issue. (And just for the record, I was one of those kids who was glued to her mother's leg for her first 5 years! :) )
... written by L.M.,
January 24, 2013
Count me as another adult reader whose inner child responded strongly to this letter. "Thank you" to Belleruth, and also to the previous commenters, especially Ilse for sharing her son's experience and recommendations.
... written by Murray Grossan, M.D. ,
January 24, 2013
My son, same age, had exactly the same symptoms –headache, tummy ache, doesn't want to go to school. Then it was discovered he was in the wrong class group, he was supposed to be in the advanced accelerated program where all his friends were.He had been bored and angry at mission out on the fun classes of all his friends. Once that error was corrected, he was fine and never had symptoms again.
... written by Elaine,
January 24, 2013
My son had this problem 35 years ago. I firmly told him, no you do not have a stomachache, you just don't want to go to school, but every child has to go to school. You will be ok. This helped resolve the problem and nipped it in the bud. I think it also clarified what the real problem was. Sometimes it is hard to be strong as a parent.
... written by Ilse,
January 25, 2013
Dr. Grossan, That is a good point, too, and one I should have mentioned in my long post: You can get your child a comprehensive educational evaluation, which will reveal her strengths, vulnerabilities, and best learning style. Get recommendations for testers from a child psychologist in your area. :)
... written by Terri Ring,
January 26, 2013
Add me to those whose inner child resonated with this story! My son (now 29) was also very anxious and had these same symptoms. He was highly gifted and highly sensitive, as I was. My parents didn't know how to respond, and I'm sorry to say that I, as a mother, didn't know how to respond, either. We know so much more now, and your suggestions are wonderful - I wish this little girl and her parents the best. I'm so glad no one has advocated pharmaceuticals - while they may be appropriate at times, our children are too drugged today as it is.
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